If you have read my past blogs (The X-Diaries) then you already know how my journey of celibacy started. I’ve had people look at me like I have lost my mind when I share with them I have been celibate or should I say, I was celibate for eleven months. Yes my fellow readers we can all celebrate, the cherry has been popped back open! But seriously it feels good to be back in the game. Now to be clear, celibacy means no sex or masturbation and I originally planned to be celibate for a year but shit happens. I wasn’t disappointed in losing it at eleven months because it felt right. I chose this path because I needed to reconnect with myself spiritually after being with someone for almost two years. I am not some relationship guru, but I believe it is very important to reconnect with you and rebalance yourself after coming out of a relationship. While I am no longer celibate, I still find myself feeling uncomfortable at times when men come on to me or the idea of being intimate with a man, which is probably why I woke up out of a black out and realized I was having sex and boom bam, I am no longer celibate (also can check having a one night stand off of my life experiences). What’s ironic is the fact that I told my best friend before going out that night that I was going to have sex and I clearly spoke that into existence.
People will ask me how I did it, how did I not even masterbate? Its having self control and realizing that it is a temporary feeling that will pass. While you can focus on the wants of your body and your sexual desires you have to look beyond to why you set out on the celibacy path in the first place. Sex can be extremely intimate and it can also be a rush of lust. For me, I have never really been the one to go out and have a wild night and go home with a random, minus recently and I ‘m not here to judge girls that do that (live your best life and do you boo) but that has never been me. I had wild times in college and I enjoy being connected with the person I am interacting with sexually. I’ve gone on one date in the past year, and I haven’t “talked” to anyone consistently and I am okay with that. While my mom wishes and hopes for me to find love and date again I am in no rush. I don’t feel the need to date just to date so I don’t feel alone.
Something I discovered over the past year that I believe is extremely important for women and people in general is how your point of view can be altered without you noticing. When I was in a toxic relationship and in a sunken place personally with how I felt about my career, my body, and myself. One of the biggest things I can pin point out is how I wasn’t a happy and supportive woman of other women. Which is a pretty fucked up feeling when you’re running a brand called ManEater, which is all about empowering women. Not towards my good friends necessarily but with women who were in my field and finding success before me. I would feel pains of jealousy and I would find things to hate on when in reality I wanted what they had. I am a retired athlete and natural competitor but when it comes to your passion and art, it doesn't feel good to compete with others when the one person you should be in competition with is you. For me and ManEater it was such a twisted thing to be going through because I created this brand to not only be a clothing brand but in a way a shelter for all types of women to see that we can relate in certain ways and subjects and that we can all be strong, successful, and independent without men. I needed this year for me to rebuild and find myself again. Coming out of a relationship and not only having to rebuild my heart but also my body (I can finally admit to suffering from anorexia without feeling weird or disappointed) and that feels uplifting. I have found men to only distract me from the things I really want and desire and I refuse to let them dim the light I have created within myself. The right man, the one that I will settle down with seriously will continue to allow me to grow and be myself without feeling the need to fulfill his ego by dimming my light or controlling me. Sex is fantastic but mental stability and inner-happiness is and will continue to be my focus.