The X Diaries; I see you, I hear you.
I’ve been on a hiatus since my last X-Diaries entry. I had to take a step back, and think through some things and a new revelation. I have been busy working on the new collection when a new situation came into my life. One I never expected but changed and molded me for a better outlook on a situation that hurt me. An ex of my ex reached out to me recently and it confirmed all the things I had always assumed since that night in August he was kicked out of my apartment. In the past year I have done quite a bit of research on abusive relationships. The biggest thing I’ve learned from all this research is that abusive people or narcissists have the same patterns in their relationships. Therefore, every relationship they are in is typically in some sort of way sadly, the same. It is an unfortunate connection to share with someone, to be able to relate to one another because the same person treated you both poorly.
I could not be more grateful for her being kind enough or brave enough to have the heart to reach out to me. “We share a connection, a past relationship with the same person.” Those were some of the words that greeted me when I first opened her message. Apparently one of her friends had run across my blog and passed it along to her, and when she read it she told me her initial reaction was “Welp, I’m not surprised” and moved on with her days. But the words I had written stuck with her and continued to pop up in her mind. We both have loved the same person. I don’t want to ruin the privacy of her life now or ever for that matter. But this woman was able to give me faith and hope in the fact that I will be able to feel compassion and love from someone again in the future and not only that, the person will be so far from what he was to me or her. This person will be fully capable to give and receive love. With zero knowledge on if I would respond to her and if I did would I respond back in a calm and respectful way this woman that owed me nothing, who has moved on with her life, gave me answers and closure that my ex could never give me. The fact that she had experienced very similar things to the situation that broke me, gave me comfort at the same time. I have someone in this world that understands everything I have written in the blogs before this. Who knows the things I am typing are not crazy, made up, far-fetched stories made to make a monster out of my ex. In this world, especially Los Angeles I have found genuine people to be harder to find. I have found that people are more afraid to reveal their truths, their feelings, and the fact that they are hurting. We put up fronts and pretend things are going great when we are drowning inside. While this blog series has been a healing process for myself (I wrote many of these blog entries right after our breakup..most of the time I was laying awake at night upset that he wasn’t next to me and not understanding why we couldn’t communicate on a level that we used to). The biggest point of this blog was to educate girls on what abuse is. I never want to see another woman go through what she, myself, or others have been put through. I don’t wish this on my best friend or worst enemy. Neither her nor I truly knew what we were experiencing when we were actually experiencing it. But it was abuse. She wrote me the words that moved me most. “I am writing you to let you know that I see you. I hear you.” When I first read that sentence it left me speechless. For the first time in a long time I truly felt like I could relate to someone on a topic that for a long period of my life brought me to tears. In the months passing since my ex and I first broke up I would tell my mom that I thought he was a narcissistic sociopath and she thought I was being over dramatic. When I told her of the message I had received my mom called me telling me she was so grateful and I should be happy and thanking God that I got out and away from him. Herself, like a lot of people close to me had no idea it was as bad as it truly was. Not a lot of people did. It’s extremely hard to tell your friends and family all the things you endured in a relationship for a few reasons. One being that it’s embarrassing. You don’t want to be viewed as weak or unstable, but in those times I was both. I was defending someone who to be honest I don’t think really loved me. And that is another sad thing to have to admit. But I can do it today and I know I’m okay.
We are both out. We are both free. From anger and heartache we both grew into strong and fierce women. I continue to grow stronger and stronger every day. For any one who is experiencing abuse or sees a friend experiencing abuse. I hope you can shed light on their situation and help them see that the time to get out is now. Before the abuser destroys you, your mental health, and confidence more. There is support out there through your friends (without mine I know I would’ve been helpless), family, therapy, and support groups. Do not be embarrassed by what you endured. Just know that you will never allow yourself to be treated by another person like that in your life again. And be proud. Proud that you were strong enough to walk away, stay away, and stand tall today.