The X-Diaries; The Apology I Never Received but had to Accept
I don't mind showing pieces of my soul so that others can hopefully learn and mend their hearts or realize they are not alone.
My heart was broken in 2017. I used to be embarrassed to talk about the events that had happened and how I acted or reacted in situations, but at the end of the day it is life. And for some reason, a reason you or I don't know at this moment there is a reason you're being put through this challenge or obstacle. I cannot begin to tell you how many months after breaking up with my ex I stayed awake at night with tears streaming down my cheeks. Even though it was my initial action to end it, I still felt very weak and alone. He was one of the first people I got close to when I moved to Los Angeles, and I thought we were going to be together forever, but sometimes the universe has other plans in mind.
When the break up happened my two closest girl-friends in LA were out of town and I was forced to face myself and the situation alone. I was going to go home and see my family in Houston and then Hurricane Harvey hit and I cancelled my trip. So I dealt with my heartbreak alone when I truly wanted to be at home with my family. I never went into true detail of how bad things got between my ex and I with my mom and dad. It wasn't until quite recently I told my mom some of the verbal abuse and I don't think I will ever be able to open up to my dad about it. My eldest brother knew the most and my mom had to back him out of the idea of flying to LA and beating up my ex multiple times. And while I'm happy to have people in my life that love me and want to protect me to such extremes. I know I was meant to face this situation alone. Yes my girlfriends listen to me at times but I didn't fall into the arms of someone new to shield the pain. I wanted to feel it all and I wanted to face this myself. I never thought that a person I built so much with including some of the things involved with my brand would become a part of the things that make ManEater exactly what it is. I didn't think when I entered this relationship that I would leave it feeling used, mentally and emotionally abused, and drained. If I had known the outcome would've been this do you guys think I really would've gotten into the relationship knowing it would turn toxic? That a person that once told me they loved me and slept next to me every night can't even look me in the eyes today.
It has been very rewarding to relate with other females, help other girls get through their breakups and pain, and hear girls words of encouragement when they tell me things like, "They love what I'm doing," or they tell me that they read all the quotes I post on my IG story and it helps them with their day. But these emotions, these quotes, sparked from my pain or someone else's pain I found on the internet that I can relate to. And there you have it. You are never alone in what you are feeling, there are more people out there that have been through situations and are hurting like you. And while it is sad that we were all hurt by someone we cared about sometimes in life you have to realize not everyone was cut from the same cloth. Sometimes in life you're not going to get the answers you think you need. One day you will wake up and that situation that was hurting you so bad will be a tiny blimp from the past. Call it a lesson learned. I can sit here today and say or "type" with honesty that I truly want the best for my ex, or anyone from my past for that matter. Life is too short to hold grudges or to be walking around wishing ill will upon others. But that doesn't mean that I understand why he chose to do the things he did to me. I have just chosen to accept that this is how things are and how God intended them to be.
I used to get really angry over the entire situation, especially when everything first came unraveled. At times I can feel the anger seep back into me and I have to put my mind and focus to something else, something positive for myself. There is nothing worse than everyone knowing something about your personal life that you didn't know. Or finding out something like for example, being cheated on from anyone but the person you were actually in the relationship with. It sucks to know that someone you loved constantly lied to you to protect themselves from a situation ending or to make themselves look better than they actually are. It sucks to have never had the person that inflicted pain upon you apologize to your face or tell you they fucked up and treated you shitty. But some people aren't built to face the pain they've inflicted on others. And while they were a lesson to you. You were actually a blessing to them.
Yes, it is extremely fucking frustrating for someone to turn out to be everything they said they weren't and not take responsibility for their actions. I've realized people will call you family or call you their heart but not mean it. Words are just words, look at people's actions. That will tell you everything you need to know about where you stand in their life. Don't wait around for this persons apology, don't wait for this person to face you. Because unfortunately they might never have the courage to. Or even worse, they just might not fucking care to help someone out that they once claimed to love but then went on to hurt.
Life is complicated people. And at the end of the day we are all just spirits in this vessel created for us. I truly believe it would be a lot less complicated if we were just honest about our feelings and thoughts. Sometimes an explanation is all another person needs to move on. While seeing the pain on someone's face that you caused will upset you or make you uncomfortable, you are actually doing them a favor by being honest. This person has closure and the ability to move forward with their life.
Unfortunately, I don't really have the answers to how to move on from someone that never apologized to you. You just have to. Life will continue on, the world will keep spinning. Are you really going to let a ain't shit motherfucker keep you down? There are so many people on this planet that will cherish you. And maybe it isn't always in a lover. But look to your friends, take in new experiences and be open to meeting other people even if it's just platonic. The person that hurt you will continue to live their life, so please go live yours. After everything you went through, you deserve to live your best life. When I turned 25 I knew I wanted to make major changes. I decided I could no longer make excuses for other people. Yes, people can be shitty. Yes, people can be really shitty to you, but that doesn't mean that they are that way to everyone. They were a lesson for you, a stepping stone to the next great thing coming your way. Be thankful for that lesson because you're stronger and better for it. It may not feel that way at this moment but I promise that feeling is coming. Fight for yourself. Do everything and anything that makes you happy and don't listen to anyone else's opinions. Keep in mind that there is something great headed your way. And that is the reason for your hardship at this moment or in the past.
I've been betrayed and hurt before. This time I can admit I was crushed by someone else's choices. But what I realized is that I will never give anyone else that ability or power to ever make me feel that way again.
Protect your heart and soul because it is meant to be cherished by those that can see how beautiful and important you are. You should never have to prove your worth to someone, for the only person you should be proving yourself to is you.
To get bad thoughts out of your head or stay focused on you I do suggest:
1. Find a new hobby
2. Get back to the things you love (for example I am running again)
3. Sweating out your frustrations is a real thing. And while you may hate running or working out getting rid of toxins helps you mentally and physically.
4. Surround yourself with positive people.
5. Read a book, it is actually really nice to escape into a different reality that someone else created.
6. Write. Get your feelings and frustrations out on paper.
7. Create goals for yourself and conquer them.
8. Don't work to please others just work to please yourself.
9. Remember this process isn't easy, it is okay to hurt and it is okay to be sad. I think that people that are happy 24/7 are actually insane. Allow yourself sad moments, but never sad days, weeks, or months. Life is too short.
10. Look yourself in the mirror every day, play the song that makes you feel like you're the shit. And remind yourself that you are actually THE SHIT!