I miss the girl I was before this all happened. And while I get pieces of her back, it hasn’t been easy. My friends brag about my new glow, how nice it is to see meat back on my bones, and a smile on my face. But there are times I still rehash things in my head. I have battles with someone I used to lay by every night but now I don’t speak to anymore. I refuse to beg someone to speak with me. If people care they will go out of their way to speak to you, apologize to you, etc. Trust me on that. As adults or wannabe adults I think it is hard for us to sometimes look ourselves in the mirror and think well I did something really fucked up and I am the asshole in this situation. Narcissist survivors recommend this, even if there are times you want to speak with your ex they highly recommend for any abused person to go cold turkey and have no contact. You don’t just get over it. There are long lasting effects on verbal, emotional, and physical abuse survivors. I didn’t feel comfortable in my skin for the first couple of months after the break up. I was not just skinny; I look emaciated when I look back at the photos from the end of our relationship. I had lost so much weight over time due to the stress that my ribs were showing, my head was bigger than my body. My face was sunken in. My mom honestly thought I was on drugs. She didn’t know the severity of our relationship and how toxic we had become. I honestly didn’t realize it till one night after a bad fight and him not telling me when he was coming home or where he was I Googled what emotional abuse was. And boom there were the signs. Reality was hitting me in the face. I was in a really fucked up situation with someone I truly loved and I didn’t know where to go from here. I needed to take care of myself first, but I still loved this person that used to be so much better. I loved the person he was not the person he had become towards me.
Recently I was on the phone with a really good friend of mine talking to her about how could I still care about someone who treated me so poorly? Who spoke to me like I was nothing and acted like my feelings didn’t matter; basically summing up that this person was bad for me. She understood because she has gone through the ringer herself in a relationship. They say that with some narcissist that they will be fantastic in the beginning, everything you have been searching for. Then slowly over time they reveal who they really are. You didn’t imagine it. They were good. Better then good they were amazing, a prince charming, someone to write home about to mom and dad. Then all of the sudden things changed. Like I said in my blog before this things changed for us after he cheated. I’m not saying things were perfect up until then it’s a relationship, disagreements happen. But a turn for the worst took place after that.
I still care for him. And it isn’t a wanting to be in a relationship again type of feeling. Just a feeling of I spent so much time with this person, shared experiences and dreams and now I’m just supposed to not care? I wasn’t programmed that way.
I ‘m not embarrassed to admit I still care for someone in my past. But I felt weak on the phone asking my friend how I care or love someone who clearly doesn’t love or care for me anymore. She challenged me to write a blog on why we do care or want someone that we know is bad for us. And while writing is extremely therapeutic and I want other girls to be able to relate to me or learn from me, I don’t have an answer. Is it the wanting something we cannot have? Or wanting answers from someone or to understand someone that left us so high and dry? My best advice is to focus on you, and not them. While of course the thought of them can come creeping in while you’re laying alone at night, or a song comes on that reminds you of them, etc. But you’re not going to get any answers from them, not right now, maybe not ever.
So my best advice is to find the things you enjoy and pursue them. Find the things that made you happy before them and do them. Work on your passions, work on your career. And allow yourself time to heal while you actually grow within. At the end of the day, another person is not going to be able to give you the love, joy, and fulfillment you can give yourself. And while you may be sad now, you won’t always be sad. You will start to find the things that make you happy again and before you know it that person will be a distant memory. Someone that once was. Start focusing on building relationships with better people. People with the same qualities and morals as your own, learn from the past, accept the past, and let it go. There is a reason all of this is happening. My mom used to really get on my nerves when she would say, “Everything happens for a reason.” But I truly believe that. There are things at work in the universe, in your universe that you may not understand now but will make sense later. Sometimes we go through things just to teach us lessons or make us stronger than before. Or to show us what we will never put up with again and teach us new expectations that we will have for future relationships. Don’t wait for someone else to become a better person. You become who you want to be, and allow the other things to fall into place. Sometimes things get removed from your life so better things can come along. Forgiveness is strength. Compassion is strength. And the best strength comes from within you.