I get a lot of big eyes when I tell people that I haven’t had sex since I broke up with my boyfriend of almost two years in August. To be honest it hasn’t been as hard as people may think it is. But this is because I completely changed my mindset. I understand the urge that people get and it isn’t like I don’t get horny just like everyone else.
Back in July when one of my closest friends was getting married I connected with a college friend of mine who was doing 365 days connecting to God. It instantly interested me and I wanted to learn more about the process of what she was doing it for and why. She told me it didn’t necessarily have to be connected to God, which I liked because while I am spiritual I am no saint. It could be 365 days dedicated to you and that sounded more like me and exactly what I needed even while I was in the relationship I was in I felt like I needed to re-connect with myself.
Without diving to deep into detail and spoiling the X-Diaries my ex and I had a great relationship at first that then turned toxic after he cheated and gave me an STD, which I believe is one of the main reasons I think I am so scared to have sex with another person today. I don’t think people fully grasp the magnitude of how damaging this can be to ones mind and soul. And how much it makes me want to make sure the next guy I sleep with has been tested recently and isn’t trying to have sex without a condom. My mom had told me horror stories in the past of a woman she had known finding out her husband had cheated on her by giving her an STD. Never did I think that would be something that would appear in my future. But it happened. I don’t wish that situation upon anyone. And it is in the past now. But when I left the relationship I knew I wanted to take the route of my friend from college and become celibate. Not sure if 365 days is what I am actually shooting for but knowing that this has been the healthiest thing for me in a really long time. I don’t judge people for having sex. I love hearing my friends sex stories and I really love sex. I just am enjoying spending time with myself. I am forced every day to face myself and focus on my needs and wants; most importantly my goals. And it’s not that I want to put pressure on the next man I have sex with to be the one or anything among those lines. I do believe that I don’t want to just have sex with anyone. When I first broke up with my ex people loved to say the good ole line “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” I disagree with this statement. Yes that helps distract you and pull you away from the general pain you are feeling. I could go into depth on the pain and depression I felt for the first couple months after my breakup. But the reality is it is just a cover. Without sounding like a self-righteous prick, focusing on myself has been rewarding. Sleeping by myself while at times lonely is also really comforting. As humans I think one of the best things to feel is the ability to stand on your own two feet. Not having to depend on someone else for emotional or sexual fulfillment. On this path I've gotten close to messing up. One night I was really drunk, honestly blacked out at a club with my roommate and I was making out with a guy who I couldn't even tell you his name. I went back to his place with the idea of hooking up in the back of my mind. But as soon as he went to the bathroom and I was able to realize the situation I was in I called an uber and left. And I was pretty happy about that choice. I'm not ready to have sex again. And I am okay with admitting that truth. When I first moved to Los Angeles I had told someone that I was moving here to follow my dreams and become successful and I ended up falling into a relationship extremely fast with someone who proved to be unworthy. My goal now is to continue back on this path and stay the course of me, myself and I. While I hope to one day be able to allow myself to let go physically again I am in no rush to push myself into a place where I feel uncomfortable and right now my alone zone is comfortable. I want to be the best version of myself before I start to give another person my time or energy again and while it is isn't always easy. Nothing good in life comes from an easy choice or path.