The Mississippi Diaries; Part 3- The baby

If you have not read part 2 then you will not understand part 3. So go read part 2:)

He was yelling my name as I sat in my friends apartment trying to enjoy tacos and the return of all of us back in Mississippi for summer school and workouts. At first I couldn't believe he was actually there on stalker status levels. But as Dani, Dani's mom, Lainey and I peered out through the big glass windows and sliding door connecting to our balcony; there was Denarius with two of his friends yelling up to the second story that he needed to talk to me. My feelings were still the same. I had buried Denarius in my past for a reason. Pretended he was dead for a reason. But here he was back in my life. For what purpose? What were his intentions? I didn't want to care but there was a hole in my heart that he had created a year ago and I had questions. 

I told him I'd talk to him soon but today was not the day. For the past months I had been jamming to Alicia Keys "Brand New Me" a song that spoke to me and how I had developed since Denarius had been gone. It was the song I jammed to when I knew I was going to see him for "the talk." I wasn't the same naive girl he had left behind. I had changed, I had grown from the state of hurt and pain he left me in. And I was proud of myself. 

For those of you that haven't been to Starkville, Mississippi. It is like a bubble. When you leave the bubble you realize all these great things that the world has to offer and all the great people there are outside of this small town. But when you're in the bubble it is hard to escape the people you don't want to run into. At the apartment pools hanging out, who do I run into? Denarius. Going out to the cotton district.. yes a place in Mississippi is actually called the Cotton District. I was out one night with my girlfriends when Denarius and his friend Nathan started buying me shots. I was sick before I could make it home. Throwing up by the cars while I over heard my best friend and college roommate Paris give Denarius a piece of her mind. "You better not hurt her again!" Along with other comments I can't quite remember due to time passing and how drunk I was at that actual moment. I instantly blocked her screams out due to my embarrassment. The night got even worse as I headed home and threw up outside the apartments by a tree asking God "Why me?" And then refusing to fall asleep inside on the couch and passing out outside on the balcony to only be woken up at 4am by Paris shaking me awake because she was going through her own boy problems at the time. I was still drunk and had no idea where the fuck I was or what was happening. 

It felt good to have Denarius chasing me instead of the other way around. When we were ending I had begged him to give us a chance etc. etc. (so pathetic) but hey I was young and I thought I was in love. And I believe in fighting for what you want with all you have. So as summer developed I gave Denarius a letter of all the things he had left me thinking and feeling a year ago. We talked about if he had ever cared. Why he couldn't tell me the truth. But what he wasn't telling me was the biggest secret of them all. 

That came one afternoon when my good friend Bree decided to spill the beans. "You can't tell him you know, but Denarius is going to be a father." She wanted me to know so I didn't become too attached again. I was furious. Why come back in my life if you had this going on? Was it not enough for you to break my heart a year ago but now you wanted to act like you were back and single? When you actually got a whole situation to deal with. AKA a baby and baby momma. What is it about men? You could have a woman dedicated to you, preparing to have your baby, but be giving your attention to someone else. Is it the fear of taking that true step into manhood and leaving your boyish figure behind? Is commitment and being monogamous that scary or is it just impossible to some? 

My friends thought I'd sleep with him. Because we were hanging out and getting reacquainted and clearly there was something still there. And I had missed him. But that is not me. I stood my ground when it came to being physically involved with one another. It wasn't that I didn't want to. But in my eyes I think people deserve a chance to be a family. For him to love the woman having his kid and give them a chance to truly make it. I wanted him. Not him, a baby, and a baby momma with all the drama. This man was never going to belong to me. This girl hadn't just gotten pregnant. She was about to pop pregnant. Once again I had to remove myself. We had one last hangout. He came over and I was asking questions he told me to stop being so emotional. And I lost it. Screaming at him to "get the fuck out" I remember his eyes getting big because I had never flipped on him like that. I had never stood up for myself. Pushing him out of my room in our apartment and slamming the door. I sat back on my bed huffing and puffing to only hear rustling outside in the living room. I opened up my bedroom door to find Denarius standing there. We had one last passionate kiss. And then he left me. I asked him to take the trash out on his way. Ten minutes later I went to the living room to see that in pure Denarius form he did not take out the trash. Unless we want to refer to Denarius removing himself as trash and finally being removed from my life. When the baby came I remember telling him congratulations. He told me he'd be in Starkville one last time and I went over say goodbye. But that was the last time I ever saw Denarius. Summer of 2013. He went back to play ball overseas and he finally married her, had another baby; and to be honest I couldn't be happier for them. Denarius was a piece in my life that helped me become who I am today. I found my inner strength from being treated that way and most importantly that situation and that man was not meant for me. Every woman deserves more than to share a man. Or settle. We may think someone or a certain situation is meant for us when in fact the universe has something so much better waiting for you to discover it. You just have to let go of the past and allow yourself the freedom to get out there and find it. I was not the girl that would drop everything to travel across the world for you to pursue your dreams. Because what about my dreams? Denarius was where he was meant to be with who he was meant to be with and I was left to continue to grow and conquer. Without Denarius and a few others that shall be written about;) ManEater would not be here. Denarius was a blessing in a disguise, and for that I am forever thankful things turned out the way they did. 


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